Guilt
by somebody's secret
Summary: After an especially difficult case, Alex admits to Olivia that she can't take it anymore. The detective offers her the comfort that she needs, reassuring her just enough to change her mind the following morning. Sometimes it's the simple things that change it all.


"I can't do this anymore," Alex whispered as she leaned her elbows against Olivia's kitchen peninsula, cupping her face as she shook her head. "Does it ever get better? Because it sure as hell doesn't seem like it does. The cases just keep getting worse every day. I thought it was bad enough when a woman is beaten and raped but now a child being sexually abused his entire life? When does the madness stop?" She rambled off as she shook her head.

Olivia stayed quiet, letting her rant as she sipped on her own glass of bourbon. She had pulled out the hard stuff after their most recent case and for some reason, she had invited Alex over to her apartment for a drink rather than going out because neither of them felt very social. She could see that the ADA was hurting and thought that maybe spending some time with someone who understood her pain might help.

Alex sighed heavily as she picked up her glass, swirling the golden liquid around before downing the rest of it in one go, dropping the cup back against the granite countertop. "I can't do this anymore, Liv. I'm going to turn in my letter of resignation. I already drafted it."

Olivia took a small sip of her own drink before setting it down as she walked over to Alex, laying a gentle hand on her shoulder. "I'm not going to tell you that it gets any easier because it doesn't. I'm not going to tell you that you get used to it because you never do. But what I can tell you is that you're making a difference. Today you put a child rapist behind bars and he'll remain there until he's too old to even think about a child in that way."

The blonde shook her head again, finally turning to look at the detective. "But did I really make a difference? That little boy will have to live with the fact that he was sexually abused for the majority of his life. His mother will have to live with the guilt of letting him stay with the babysitter. His father will blame himself for working too much. What did I really do?"

Olivia pursed her lips as she leaned up against the granite countertop. "You stopped him from laying a hand on another little boy or girl, Alex. You saved potential victims from the trauma and abuse that he could inflict on them. You _are_ making a difference, even if it doesn't feel that way."

Alex bit her lip as she dropped her gaze back down to her empty glass. She reached out for the bottle of bourbon that Olivia had left out on the table but the detective's hand grabbed onto her wrist, halting her movement. "Don't," Olivia said firmly as she pulled the blonde's hand away from the bottle. "Drowning your sorrows in a bottle of alcohol won't make you feel any better."

"But it'll make me forget," Alex whispered as she dropped her hand back down to the table, running her fingers across the cold countertop. "And I just want to forget about everything that little boy told me in my office and repeated in the courtroom. God, I did a number on him by forcing him to relive every detail of his abuse."

"You did your job," Olivia assured her as she grabbed the bottle and Alex's glass off of the table, putting the glass in the sink and the bottle back up in her cabinet. "Sure, it was hard for him to relive it but it had to be done, Alex." The brunette walked over to her and settled next to her.

"How do you do it? How do you just forget about everything that you've seen? You have it worse than me, you actually have to see the abuse. I just have to hear about it," Alex stated as she turned toward Olivia.

The detective merely shook her head as she looked down at the countertop. "Honestly, it's hard to forget, especially with kids. Sometimes I run, other times I'll beat a punching bag until my knuckles are bruised but it never seems to make me forget."

They both stayed quiet for a few minutes, just letting their thoughts roam. "I've been too afraid to let a guy take me home ever since I started working SVU," Alex admitted out of the blue. She hung her head in shame. "I know it's unlikely but I used to be able to go to a bar, get a nice buzz, and then allow a guy to take me back to his place for meaningless sex. Now I'm too afraid to even accept a drink from a stranger let alone allow one to take me home."

"It's okay," Olivia assured her as she placed her hand on the blonde's lower back, rubbing there softly. "I haven't been able to hold a stable relationship since I started working SVU as well."

"No, it's not okay," Alex argued as she pulled up from the table so that she could look at Olivia. "Sometimes I just want to be reassured that sex can be a good thing. All I'm surrounded with is assault and rape and it's tainting my perspective. I used to trust people. I used to let guys take me home and I used to let them into my bed but now I can't. I'm too afraid of trusting anymore," She whispered softly as she searched warm brown eyes for some sense of understanding.

Instead of responding, Olivia took a step closer to the blonde, hesitantly bringing a hand up to cup her cheek. When the ADA didn't pull back, she settled her fingers around Alex's neck and stroked her cheekbone with her thumb. Alex instinctively tilted her head to the side, furthering the touch and also giving Olivia the permission that she was waiting for.

The detective leaned closer to her, connecting their lips in a gentle kiss. She could feel Alex's body immediately relax against hers as they stayed still, their lips unmoving against each other's. After a few seconds, the blonde let out a small sigh against Olivia's lips, opening her mouth to the detective. The brunette titled Alex's head up, deepening the kiss as she slid her lips between the ADA's, sucking on her bottom lip.

Alex returned the kiss, fighting Olivia for control for a split second before willingly surrendering to her, allowing the detective's tongue to enter mouth. Their tongues tangled for a few seconds and she could taste the bourbon in Olivia's mouth, no doubt matching the taste of her mouth as well. She ignored the fact that they were both slightly buzzed, or maybe her more so than Olivia. She didn't care about anything other than the fact that for once, she felt safe.

The ADA quickly found her lower back pressed up against the granite countertop as Olivia continued to kiss her. The detective's other hand had settled on her hip and was now stroking the bare skin underneath her shirt.

Once oxygen became too prominent of a need. Olivia pulled back, breathing heavily as she tried to catch her breath. Alex followed her lead and simply maintained eye contact with the brunette before nodding her head. The detective stayed pressed up against the blonde for a few more seconds before stepping away, holding out a hand for her. The ADA took it, letting Olivia lead her to the bedroom.

Neither of them said a word as Olivia shut the door behind them and walked back over to Alex. She cupped the blonde's cheeks again and kissed her as if she was attempting to drive away her demons. The blonde lost herself in the kiss, suddenly finding herself tugging at Olivia's shirt as she pulled it over the detective's head once they separated.

The brunette followed her lead and began to unbutton Alex's blouse, pushing it off of her shoulders and tossing it to the side. Their lips reconnected, not willing to go a second longer without tasting one another. Hands fumbled around Olivia's pants zipper and around the side of Alex's pencil skirt.

A short minute later, Alex was sitting down on the edge of Olivia's bed, sliding herself backwards as the detective crawled on top of her, following her to the head of the bed, their lips never separating. Once they were settled in the center of the bed, Olivia laid the length of her body against Alex's, reveling in the feeling of bare skin pressing against bare skin. It was a sensation that neither of them had felt for months, if not a year, each for their own reasons.

Alex's hands wrapped around Olivia's back, her nimble fingers finding their way to the detective's bra and quickly unfastening it. The brunette pulled away and allowed her bra to drop off, tossing it to the side. Instead of kissing Alex again, she pulled the blonde up and unhooked her bra as well, pulling it off of her arms. A second later, their bodies were pressed up against each other's again, both moaning into one another's mouth at the sensual contact.

The ADA couldn't ignore the pull between her legs as Olivia scattered kisses across her face and down her neck. While it wasn't necessarily frantic, there was something rather needy about the touches. She ran her hands over the detective's sides, trying to gain purchase anywhere on the brunette that might supply either of them with pleasure. She abandoned her task, instead wrapping her hands in Olivia's hair as the detective kissed around her breasts before teasing her nipples.

Alex instinctively tightened her hold on Olivia's brown locks, twisting them as an unfamiliar pleasure washed over her body, a warmth settling between her legs. She squirmed under the detective's skilled tongue, moaning softly as Olivia switched breasts, lavishing her other breast with equal attention. She was almost painfully aroused by the time the detective slid further down her body, scattering kisses across her abdomen and around her navel.

The brunette glanced up as her head stopped above Alex's underwear, searching for permission from the blonde before she went any further. "Please," Alex whispered softly once she realized that Olivia was no longer touching her.

"I need you to say it," Olivia replied as she kept her gaze on the blonde, ignoring the fact that she could smell Alex's arousal.

"You can touch me there," Alex gasped out as she guided Olivia's head down just a few more inches, showing the detective what she wanted. Satisfied that she had Alex's permission, Olivia pressed a kiss to the blonde's underwear line. She teased the skin there with her tongue as her fingers hooked into the sides of Alex's underwear. She slowly dragged it down toned, pale legs before discarding it to the floor with the rest of the blonde's clothes.

Olivia settled herself back between Alex's legs, inhaling as she pressed a kiss to the inside of the ADA's thigh. Alex instinctively widened her legs as her fingers tangled back in Olivia's hair, pulling her forward ever so slightly. The detective ran her hand across Alex's left leg, lifting it up just enough to drape it over her shoulder as she settled her mouth in front of the blonde's sex.

She pressed a kiss directly against the erect bundle, causing Alex's hips to jerk forward as she gasped, her hands twisting in her hair. She ignored the slight pain and ran her tongue up the length of the ADA's slit, earning her a more prominent gasp as nails began to dig into her scalp. She repeated her actions, gathering Alex's arousal on her tongue before sliding her tongue back up to that straining bundle.

She slipped her fingers across the blonde's slit, alerting her before slipping a single finger into her body. Alex's body welcomed her, easily accepting her finger and surrounding it with warm, slick wetness. Alex moaned softly as her hips rotated just enough for Olivia to notice. The detective took the hint and pulled her finger out an inch before slipping another finger in with it, pushing back into blonde.

The ADA whimpered quietly as her fingers held tightly onto Olivia's hair. The detective continued gently pushing in and out of the blonde, twisting her fingers around in an attempt to figure out what brought Alex the most pleasure. She wrapped her lips around Alex's straining bundle, pressing her tongue directly against her and used her other hand to force Alex's hips to stay still. The blonde's leg tightened around her back, her heel digging into her back.

Olivia continued her motions, circling her tongue around Alex's straining bundle as her fingers slipped as deep as they could go into the blonde. She curled her fingers forward, stroking the spongy flesh that she knew she'd find there, increasing her pressure as Alex's hips pushed up against her touch. She pressed harder and faster, rubbing up against that special spot as her tongue circled Alex's bundle once more before lashing her tongue across it.

A sharp cry filled the room as Alex's body arched up, the leg around her shoulder tightening against her while the fingers in her hair pulled more firmly at her locks. The detective gently stroked Alex, bringing her down slowly before completely extracting her fingers. She pressed a soft kiss against the inside of Alex's thigh as she removed the leg from around her shoulder. Alex let her hands and leg fall limply to the side, not caring that her legs were still spread apart.

Olivia crawled back up her body, settling her own legs between Alex's open ones. She pressed a kiss against the blonde's collarbone and then another on her neck before finally kissing her lips. The ADA moaned softly into the kiss, her arms still too weak to grab onto the detective. Olivia settled her weight on top of Alex's body and stroked her cheek softly.

After a few seconds, she pulled away and brushed a blonde lock of hair out of Alex's face. She smiled down at the ADA and quickly pressed a kiss against Alex's forehead before she rolled off of her. She grabbed onto the bedsheet that had be pushed to the side during their rush to get undressed and tossed it over both of their bodies.

Alex stayed on her back, staring up at the dark ceiling as she slowly inhaled and exhaled. Olivia, noticing her behavior, slid next to her and wrapped an arm around the ADA's naked body. "Don't think, just sleep," The brunette whispered as she pulled Alex a few inches closer to her. Finally, the blonde responded, turning onto her side so that she was facing Olivia. She ducked her head down, curling her body up against the detective's. Olivia pressed another kiss against Alex's forehead, as she wrapped her arms around the blonde's body, pulling her tight against her chest.

They stayed curled up against one another for a few minutes before Olivia figured that the blonde had finally drifted off to sleep. She sighed softly, kissing the top of Alex's head once more. "Thank you," The ADA murmured against Olivia's neck, nuzzling further into her touch. The detective finally dozed off a few minutes later with a small smile etched on her face.

The following morning, Olivia woke alone. She wondered if the previous night had simply been a dream but when she wandered out into her kitchen, she found Alex's empty bourbon glass still sitting in her sink. When she arrived at work an hour later, she found the ADA already talking to Elliot about their newest case.

And Alex continued coming to work, day after day, her letter of resignation hidden underneath a pile of case files with a picture of Olivia paper-clipped to the top of it.


End file.
